.

If I am too Broken
To reach out my hand
And pull you from your demons

Then I am too Broken
To breathe.

Nightmares churn
Under my skin
Their howls seep through the cracks

And I am too Scared
To fight.

As I watch you fade
Paralysed limbs fail
I cannot reach out my hand

And I am Unworthy
Of joy.

You

I would tear down walls for you
Watch as grand monuments crumbled for you
Let chaos and madness reign for you
And hold you close in the ruins.

I would take a life for you
Serve my time and pay the price for you
Hide the body and the secret for you
And never feel remorse.

I would deny my dreams for you
Abandon friend and foe for you
Raise an army for you
The ends of the earth are not enough.

Yet today I can't look at you
I haven't got a smile for you
But please know that though I'm not next to you.
It's for you that I'm staying alive.

.

Some days I feel
As if I were made of
Smoke
Each gust of wind
Tearing away a part of me
And Melbourne
Is such a windy city.

Abandoned House

I spend my nights in an abandoned house
Watching paint peel away
Undressing the weary walls as they tell their tales.
Tracing cracks across tired floorboards
Leading me to long locked doors.
That I never dare to open.

Grand windows frame an overgrown world.
Thorns and thistles creep slowly in the stillness
The wind sings a somber melody
Through shattered window panes
And rickety door frames

Crescendoing on a silver stage
Lit through the holes in the ceiling.

Dust clings to everything
Like and old friend who has one last chance to say goodbye
Memories of colour hide in corners and behind doors.
Soft pink, the colour of first kisses
Deep purples, the last trace of a bodies betrayal
Pale blues, the timid greeting of the morning sky
Soon, to be lost in the endless grey.

A spiraling path of grandeur and greatness
Now four uneven steps that lead to nothingness
Serve as a solitary seat, where I may dwell with eyes closed
Listening to the monsters rattle and roar.
Locked away in basements, attics, cupboards and jewelry boxes
No space to large or to small.
They do not rest, nor sleep, nor eat,
Waiting for the hesitant sun to silence them again.

I spend my nights in an abandoned house
Listening to the music of my breathing
A dissonant symphony
That undresses me as I tell my weary tale
Tracing veins across tired skin
Leading me to dreams
That I never dare remember.

To My Younger Self

To a past me,
There are countless things you'd be dying to know
And unfathomably more you wouldn't believe if I told you.
But there are things that I would tell you if we talked.

First and foremost, life won't what you think it is.
Melbourne is not a theatrical wonderland and you won't get into your dream university.
In fact, you'll waste the whole first year of university and fail a lot of classes.
This will lead to a crippling mental breakdown
In conjunction with the best choice you'll ever make in your life.
More on that later.
You won't make best friends on the first day.

You're first show here will be in a cramped theatre and you will have 2 lines

You will lie to get the part.
Your first appearance on national television will be in the background of Neighbours.
Don't worry, you still despise the show.
Especially after being miserably cold all day on set.

Your stance of cigarettes and drugs will change dramatically. Sorry.

You will lose contact with your housemate.
You will break-up with your stupid clingy long distance boyfriend.
He never visits again anyway.
Be hypercritical of his performance in Fiddler on the Roof. He deserves it.
He's thinks he might be gay now.
You know you are.

Yes.
You are a lesbian.
A feminist, polyamorous, slutty, femme-pride lesbian.
And it wasn't an easy road so I think I deserve a few pointers.
Don't be ashamed the first time you have sex.
It's great, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it not being special
You'll learn in time that it doesn't matter anyway.
Although it wouldn't kill you to know her name.
Keep.
Your.
Nails.
SHORT.Be proud of who you are.
Don't tell your girlfriend "I wish I wasn't gay"
Everything will be horribly shitty at the time but you'll hurt her.
And you're not allowed to do that.
Move in with her after you break up. It's a great choice.
Don't date girls for the sake of having a girlfriend.
Or because she's nice and interested in politics.
That relationship will suck.
The best relationship you ever have is still going.
And will probably forever.
Don't be so dismissive the first time he says he wants to marry you.
He means it eventually.
Don't overthink it, you will and he will support you, but stop overthinking it.

Do not, under any circumstances, use your phone in the laundry. 

You get to understand what's wrong with the world
And you'll be proud to know that you fight against it
Tooth and nail, lashing out against oppression.
Just be careful who you hit in the crossfire.
Sometimes, you need to step away.
The worst part will be the sinking pit in your stomach
When you're reading an article and it's retelling in perfect detail
Moments you refused to think about, to talk about
But with words you never applied to it before
And suddenly it all seems more real and more horrible than ever before.
The best part is being surrounded by loving people
And understanding and getting better
And getting up and fighting.
And never hearing from that scumbag again
After your partner takes the phone away from you to send a final "fuck you"
It's glorious.

Never, ever, trust yourself to get to airports in a reasonable amount of time. Calculate the time it would take for regularly functioning human being and add four hours. That's how much time you are required to leave to get to any form of avian transport.

Non-stick hooks lie

Be prepared to fall in love.
The kind of unconditional, committed, rad old person love you hate.
Because he'll change your life in the best way possible.
Sometimes it will be difficult and soul-wrenching
And you'll write a lot of shitty poems about your feelings.
But you will be better because of him.
Don't freak out about mental disorders either.
Whether they're happening to you or loved ones, shit works out.
So deep breaths, okay?

Electricity and water bills don't work like your phone or the internet. Don't freak out the first time you're payment is a day overdue. It's downhill from here.

Don't be afraid to enjoy the nerdy things you love. You're really bad at committing to them but enjoy them anyway. I guarantee you'll be interested in LARP-ing when you stumble upon it.

And a million other things I could say, because the thing is, I'm supposed to end this with "but everything turns out great and your happy" but that's not how life works.

You're life gets stressful and shitty and sometimes you feel battered and bruised and beaten.
And you still thoroughly enjoy it, because you and the people you love managed to make it into something fucking awesome.
And that's something to be proud of kiddo. 

Free writing

I used to live in a golden tower
Where the windows were painted with masterpieces
And I'd heard of those fighting and dying outside.
I'd proclaim my support, safe from my tower
As I lived without fear, without want, without knowing.

Then my tower crumbled.

And I was living on the battlefield
And I had never known so much fear and pain in my life
The constant screams, the death of comrades.
I knew it was unfair to those who had been here

in this hell

While I had been safe in my tower
But every death burned like the first
And every night spent shivering in the cold drew forth anger
As I listened to the proclamations of "equality"
From the allies sleeping warm in their towers above.
And though the battle wounded told me it had been harder for them(and it had)
I found no strength in that.
All I saw was the continuation of the war,
The battle raged on, and I am left shaking from shellshock
My scars still bleed
While your stripped skin fills me with guilt.
That once I had lived in that tower
And sent no aid.

But I promise you this.
I will live in a tower again
A tower built on the battles of old
And I will not go until every soldier
Those old and wounded
Those too young yet to fight
Will live among the clouds with me.

And though those living in towers will cry out
And bring down many towers
In the name of equality,
No difference.
No change.
We will prevail
And gain what is rightfully ours.

The Lonely Traveller

Gather the pieces crumbling from your soul
Secret them away to the box under your bed
Don't whisper a word when they claw up in the dark
To grasp at fragments and tear the mind apart

Neutral stance, feel who you are.
Feel every crease and crack and crevice
A mottled battle ground of limbs and scars
Etched with pages of unfinished memoirs

Shadows grown in the space between your bones
Crawling inside you like a parasitic vine
Steeping your blood with longing and with grief
Seeping through a smile made of gritted teeth

This world has no more place for those of darkness
The ground is burnt and ashen where you've stepped
You linger in destruction, depravity and distress
You follow the same path, as the man they all call Death.

The sickly pale figure is never far away
Some days a mirage, others a companion.
And all becomes despair when he draws near
But there is always false joy to mask our fear.

So gather up your soul, lonely traveller
Avoid the crowds, leave behind the happy folk
You must walk the roads where there is naught but silence
Or bear the pain of all you meet upon your conscience.