I can't fucking do this.
Yet again I'm genuinely terrified of going to sleep.
"Its an odd thing to be scared of one owns subconscious" I've said that a lot when referring to my nightmares.
But it's not odd. Its terrifying and crippling and fucking dreadful.
I don't talk in plain words about my life very much on this blog but I'm sitting in the dark not tired, not sleepy, but exhausted body and mind by the sheer prospect of having to fall asleep.
To face, for annother night, my skin being peeled from my bones, the torture rape and murder of ny loved ones, the horrifying inescapable images that fill my head almost every night.
I know Ill dream about Sabbat and I don't want to let the deamons in my head take the good day I had a fuck with it.
I know it'll be bad tonight. I can feel it in my aching bones and I'm far to scarred to face it.
I woke up again this morning with a cut on my leg where my fingernails had dug in and drawn blood. These nightmares leave me with wounds for the daylight hours and I've never felt so helpless and scared in my life.
I don't want to discover nightmare marks on my skin when I wake up. I don't want to spend 8 hours a day in a hell made by my own mind.
And I sure as hell don't want to fall asleep tonight.
Fuck.
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