Still linger, like the smoke that burned my lungs
And spun my world around.
Forbidden and intoxicating.
Who knew that I would become addicted?
There are still things I've never told you
Like how nervous I was the first time we shared a cigarette
And how embarrassed I was when it wouldn't light.
I'd smoked at parties before,
Sneaking them here and there
I promised myself I would stop,
I was scared I wouldn't be able to quit.
Every time I saw you out in the heat, those old cravings came back
Until I finally gave in.
I still don't know if it was the cravings or just wanting to talk to you
But I'm so glad my self control fell away at that lonely supermarket one night
Because my fears became the best thing to ever happen to me,
It's how I met you.
And spun my world around.
Forbidden and intoxicating.
Who knew that I would become addicted?
There are still things I've never told you
Like how nervous I was the first time we shared a cigarette
And how embarrassed I was when it wouldn't light.
I'd smoked at parties before,
Sneaking them here and there
I promised myself I would stop,
I was scared I wouldn't be able to quit.
Every time I saw you out in the heat, those old cravings came back
Until I finally gave in.
I still don't know if it was the cravings or just wanting to talk to you
But I'm so glad my self control fell away at that lonely supermarket one night
Because my fears became the best thing to ever happen to me,
It's how I met you.
The first moment I cried in front of you
Drips away in my memories
All I remember now is the healing and the happiness
How those things didn't seem insurmountable
After you told me you would fight them with me.
I was so ashamed of all the horrors in my life
And although I had met people that taught me I shouldn't be,
And reminded me that it wasn't my fault, even though they didn't know,
I never really believed them until you told me.
Something about you convinces me.
Convinces me that I am loved and that I am worthy of this life
Assures me that I can be redefined and rediscovered.
Perhaps that's why I feel so much grief that I cannot do the same for you.
I have a debt which I can never repay
A foolish notion that I know you will understand.
At first I was not ashamed because if you believed I had worth
Then how could I argue with you?
I respected you too much.
Now I am slowly beginning to believe I have worth
Because I want to respect myself.
The first moment you kissed me
Still sweetens ever sorrowful smile.
A bizarre memory for a pair such as us but it was the second
I knew, undoubtedly, that I would always love you.
We asked nothing and understood everything.
My first fear was that I would want you.
Right at the beginning, when sexuality scared me
And the word 'Identity' was almost always followed by 'Crisis'
It may seem strange that such a physical act of love, a kiss,
Would assure me that I never needed to be more than what we are.
Perhaps it's because in front of those people who never quite understood
We both knew exactly what this was.
Without expectation, complication or sexualization
A simple act, a comforting embrace
For something we didn't have words for quite yet.
Now I know what those words are.
Now I can hear the words in every smile and "goodnight"
I am always assured of what I first knew in that moment.
Drips away in my memories
All I remember now is the healing and the happiness
How those things didn't seem insurmountable
After you told me you would fight them with me.
I was so ashamed of all the horrors in my life
And although I had met people that taught me I shouldn't be,
And reminded me that it wasn't my fault, even though they didn't know,
I never really believed them until you told me.
Something about you convinces me.
Convinces me that I am loved and that I am worthy of this life
Assures me that I can be redefined and rediscovered.
Perhaps that's why I feel so much grief that I cannot do the same for you.
I have a debt which I can never repay
A foolish notion that I know you will understand.
At first I was not ashamed because if you believed I had worth
Then how could I argue with you?
I respected you too much.
Now I am slowly beginning to believe I have worth
Because I want to respect myself.
The first moment you kissed me
Still sweetens ever sorrowful smile.
A bizarre memory for a pair such as us but it was the second
I knew, undoubtedly, that I would always love you.
We asked nothing and understood everything.
My first fear was that I would want you.
Right at the beginning, when sexuality scared me
And the word 'Identity' was almost always followed by 'Crisis'
It may seem strange that such a physical act of love, a kiss,
Would assure me that I never needed to be more than what we are.
Perhaps it's because in front of those people who never quite understood
We both knew exactly what this was.
Without expectation, complication or sexualization
A simple act, a comforting embrace
For something we didn't have words for quite yet.
Now I know what those words are.
Now I can hear the words in every smile and "goodnight"
I am always assured of what I first knew in that moment.
That we were nothing more and nothing less than in love.
Stronger than bodies and more subtle than souls.
The million moments you made me laugh
The thousand moments you made me survive
The uncountable moments you made me happy
The few moments you made me cry
The many moments you made me proud
These memories are my love letter.
And I am not yet out of ink.
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