.

A heavy sort of sadness sinks into my bones
Rest there, and calls it home.
A tangible silence in the space between us
The static of a broken tape

The sun rises, it is bright and it is beautiful
I inhale and try not to think of you
Or to think of you in the vocabulary of my past
But I don't remember those words

What was I saying?

I'm not sad, I am weary and I feel this weight
I am glad that you will be better
In the way that a plant must be glad when it is pruned
Next spring it will bloom

Broken ribs and blood pouring down your skin
Hurt I cannot erase
But I did not cause, I loved you the best I could
It's not your fault that you did not need me

The doctor said this will heal.

I know you will read these words
But they are not for you
They are mine and I will let them fall
Like the tears I will not cry


Tremors in the earth shake, cracks appear
Metaphors fall to pieces
Fire flames and burns brightly, I cannot see
Poetry become just syllables

Lost
       Falling
                Ceasing to

Exist, did what we have even exist?

The briefest breathe provides no life
But we breathed it anyway
The air was sweet and tainted with smoke
I can still taste it.


I can't
no
I won't

                       speak

Words grasp at the edges of my brain.

Chaos surround me but you have made sense of it
You have cleaved a path
Through this debris, through this madness
You are winning

I will not love you less, I cannot love you less
But I will not let you no me
Weigh you down anymore, the burden is to great
I cannot carry it for you

But I will lighten the load
If I cannot light the way. 

Stone

Its price, immeasurable.
Countless worth beyond all that can be seen.
I had held, beheld it's splendor
And know there are few things more beautiful than thee.

Yet if it is a truly valued stone
Then I am charged with its unending care
I must not allow its shine to dim
Not its sharpened edge to dull
Whilst I still breathe the air

It has tasted my blood
It has known my sin and it has known my grief
I have repaid this all in turn
We shared beauty and laughter
Yet now it craves release

I cannot be faulted here
I will not fall though it may crush my bones
But you have changed
And I have not changed
We will not face this alone.

Symphony

The cascading staccato falls across my skin
Moments of warmth and memory seem to begin
Here amongst the droplets which soft, caress my face
Closed eyes, slow breath, sweet scents and long embrace

I am supple skin stretched across old bone
I am the first ornate letter of many wise and ancient tomes
I am composed of scarlet ribbons, down my back and in my veins
I am crescendo and harmony. I will rest and play again

But more than these things, more than I and deep brown eyes
I am the warmth clinging to a blanket, slipping in to sleep beside
I am the smoke from their lungs and the laughter on their lips
The notes that are their poetry, my symphony is this

I am his hair, that curls and twines its way into my soul
I am her hips, the curve of her arms such wonder that I know
I am the whispers of early morning when she leaves me in her bed
I am the call of 'come home dear' and a kiss upon the head.

I am of them and they of me. Enticed, entwined and bound
 Behold their complex melodies, I have found the sweetest sound

In veins.

How odd
That I should find myself here
Surrounded by, what's the word?
Lovers, friends?
What does it matter?
I'm here again.

I feel perhaps I've left behind
A part of me. A sliver of my mind
It could just be a lover eyes
A meaningless glance
It crawls inside.
And I don't mind.

You've passed this test
Or so you hope
Failure may be
Your true destiny
And to fulfil ones destiny
Is a great thing indeed.
So live in and revel in debauchery.

Dance with fire
Dance with frost
And be not ashamed
Of all you've lost.

The Gates of Andromeda

For Jericho.

This pain flows in and out of me
I know what I have done
But my god demanded sacrifice
I guess that he was one

Perhaps I could have grown to love
Perhaps he could be saved
All but flaws are fleeting here
Yet he, not I, decayed.

This growing weight inside my chest
Regret that plagues my soul
Perhaps this is what the mother meant
The pain to make me whole

OH MOTHER TELL ME AT WHAT COST
WHAT GARDEN DO YOU GROW?
Must the innocent be beds of earth
For your ever sharp throned rose?

The pain flows in and out of me
I know my choices well
Continue, torture soul and mind
Or meet with him in hell.

I am Happy

I can feel exhaustion sinking into my bones
A perfect day slips away under the cover of night.
The sudden yank, the chain that draws you back to the prison you thought you could escape.
Awake to happy thoughts, the sounds of music but a body to tired to appreciate.
I am happy. I am happy. My soul bears great weight as I remind myself.
Awake to inhale reality. Tell yourself once more how happy you are.
Brush hands over invisible scars.
Get help. Get pills. Get happy. Be safe.
What a thing to be scared of ones own subconscious.
To submit each night to tired eyes and tired limbs.
To know soon it will begin. The flaying of my skin.
Maybe just one more night of peace.
Where broken beds don't mean broken bones.
When these deamons leave me THE FUCK ALONE.
I am happy. I am happy. Days are perfect.
Sunshine and flowers. It's worth it. Oh gods let it be worth it.
I am happy. In reality I am happy. There are no fires here.
But the ones that warm me.
Happy. happy. who knew the night could take that from me?
Not me.

The first steps of the day

Stretch

Turn

'What time is it?'

"More time

More sleep"

Water

Roll

Steps

Flow

Headspin

Breathe in

Toxins

Breathe out

Hot blood

Hot sun

Black coffee

Cold lips

Caffeine

Begin

Nightmares

The nightmares creep
Under my sheets
Under my skin
It begins

The sun of the day
leached away
by deamons
and flames

Surrounded by subconscious
Hope has long been lost
I can only pray I recall
I wake again at the fall

The nightmares creep
They writhe in the deep
Settle in my veins
Pleasure to pain

The nightmares creep
Spread the night at my feat
Adrift in this maze
It begins again

Invade

Your face is glowing in half-light,
Your eyes are no doubt glazed.
I smile, sigh and tilt my head.
My dear, how we do blaze.

I hear the softly in-drawn breath,
I see the arm draped by my chest,
Blink,
stretch,
mutter,
laugh,
and resume.

The world is quiet here.
No sound will penetrate,
and everything is great
and we don't fear.

You left your Blogger logged in.
I didn't have the heart to leave
without cracking open.

Ethereal

Oh to be ethereal!
A queen amongst men.
To taste all forbidden fruit
And feel the blood rushing through your veins
And down your chin
And through the rivers
As every living soul drinks you in.

To inhabit all dreams
For even nightmares are dreams
To exist beyond love
And be adorned with a crown of barbed roses.
I am beauty,
where nought but horrors have been born
I am terror,
in lands where fear has long since fled.

I live in nonexistent days
Watch the suns of other worlds burn away
Contained within me is life
And death
And all the things which surpass these.
The lover to a fallen angel
The mother to desire and despair

I am the devil
I am your gods
I am all.

Two Lovers

Two lovers in a slow dance
The sun sets to the melody of their steps
A shared breath as they entrance
The world beneath their feet, the sky bows.

As darkness creeps into this sphere
They continue, step, one two.
They glide, oblivious to death and fear
And continue on in sanctuary

The stars arise and watch them twirl
As they transcend this mortal realm
The lovers let their dance unfurl
Moving as one, shares beat, shared soul.

But no dance is eternal
And no man may claim he is divine
Two lovers cease, for they are mortal
But shall begin anew another night.

I Am

I am not cleansed
The not nightmares have left me
I am not unscathed
But I have found my purity

A blazing fire
Fuelled by an insurmountable love
Has burnt away the lesser flames
A searing flash of salvation from above

The scars fade
Rippling across my skin like lace
Defining my being
They create a creature not of this race

The soft earth
A healer of worlds is beside me
The fire within
Blazes on my left, a man of dignity

I face my demons
Afraid of these creatures, for I know
Where they were born
For how can one not know their own soul?

We shall perish here
Or embrace and claim our victory
For though the cost may be high
We do not falter, we have walked this road valiantly

Small Victories

There are small victories that go unnoticed in this world
The poetry from a lovers lips and the smile of a pretty girl
Wonders which surpass the legends of ancient tomes
The song of relentless laughter and the sense of coming home

As eyelids flit and fall, within the comfort of a friend
Another sleepless night has met its peaceful end
My blood flows thick with wine. My head is heavy with this pleasure.
The spoils of this life are rich and vast beyond all measure

Tomorrow we must rise again and face the relentless tide
But tonight at least, good company and sins are on our side
Perhaps the morn shall bring our death, dishonour or defeat
But beneath these stars we're conquerors and all earth is at our feet.

Advance

I think

I just realised

Last night upon a balcony

With smoke curling around my fingers

And settling on my eyelashes

That the world had shifted.

This pale blue orb spins on

Doing the same old pirouettes

But I am out of step

It is a foreign place

to me

This is not the world I knew

As a child, once this place

glimmered

with hope

and promise

a thousand islands 

waiting to bestow upon me their treasure.

Now I see it as a hostile land

I must fight for every breath

Each day anew the sun burns on

With fire

And with ice

But I do not care for such trivial things

I have found greater treasures

Than I could ever dream

Amongst these wastelands

And the army with which I wage war upon these lands

Is mighty indeed

Clothed in regal armour

Shinning

As has not been seen for many an age

There are veterans here

Wisened old men who guide me

Keen eyes that foreshadow the coming of our enemy

Tired eyes that have seen it all before

There are gentle hands

To heal my wounds

To flood my veins with strength

And give me courage. 

So as I look beyond the smoke

As electric stars line the horizon

My army strong behind me

The desert vast beyond me

I am at peace

For but one moment

As I know the world has shifted

Then we advance. 

Shattered

I do not belong here, nor there.
Among these lovers of ice
Amidst these frozen lullabies
I am lost and I am blind.

The wasteland encompasses me
Whisper shivers of a foreign language
It will consume me soon
I can feel the crystals in my veins.

The first cracks are emerging now
I feel them slaking across my skin
Slicing through parts of me that were once whole
My gods find no foothold here amongst the snow

A spark would be my redemption
but my finger shake and will not make a spark
I think that my final act will be a cry
From a silent throat, then I will shatter and be no more

One more step across this shuddering stillness
One more intake of this air that burns with cold
The frost grows ever, ever closer
And I scream, why have you all forsaken me?

Illness

Prying eyes scour every atom of me
Every thing I am, You claim I chose to be.
1 to 10
Go on then,
Tell me do I pass your test?
After all, you do know best.

A thousand questions rain like bullets,
fired slowly from loaded muskets,
I march on, slow and steady,
towards the fire, battle ready
Tear my flesh and break my bones
But I do fight on these plains alone.

A lovers words try and quell the fire
But I am ablaze. This to, will be my pyre.
A rage as you demand that I explain
Why I let you down. When time and time again
Has it not been you, shattering me?
Have you no compassion? No humility?

No. What foolish notions to possess
That the enemy is anything less
Than a hoard of daemons that will course down my throat
Like cheap wine with friends, like pills and smoke.
I have no more words, I try but they no longer form
I am turning to ashes. I can only pray I am reborn.

The Call to Arms.

The dawn of a Sunday morning is the war-cry of my soul.
For seven days I have rested,
For seven days I have laid down my sword
But no more.

I must leave this place and go to battle
To fight of those who would see me slain
I offered them white flags and words of comprehension
But no more

I have defended my lovers bed as a stronghold
Against the righteous men with flaming arrows
Condemnation on their lips and fire in their hearts
But no more

I have cleaved aside the heretics and beloved sinners
I have begged pardon through their valleys,
I wished to walk in peace and solitude
But no more

I am torn by crowns of thorns
I am seduced by lips ablaze with flame
I am condemned to burn in holy light
And find myself in naught by darkness.

I have no more to give
I have no more to repent for
I have no more words to form my shield from you
I have only my Love and my God.
And no more.

Speak

How do I tell you? The words fill my mind, but they are not composed as these.
They are colours, blue and green flickering flames,flickering in perfect harmonies.
They sing the songs of a slow breath in, a resigned sigh in descending thirds
The soft beat of a broken heart, still in time, these are not words.

How do I tell you that I will always take your hand. Though it may harm me.
The shattered glass that is your beings cuts deep and the blood flows freely.
Yet I feel only warmth, see only ribbons of red that dance and weave and glimmer
I see crystals and fragments of gems, I feel no pain, I thrive within this river

How do I tell you that if you mend I will still see the cracks and I will know them
As close friends and confidants, lovers that enfold my soul but do not condemn
I see you, the mosaic unfinished, the masterpiece yet undefined but hinting at divinity
A thousand shards of colour containing beauty and promise perhaps only the artist can see

How do I tell you?
I love you seems not enough.

Life is Ugly; It is not Poetry.

I get headaches when I smoke
I get headaches when I don't smoke

I feel sick when I eat
I feel sick when I don't eat

I want to be drunk when I'm alone
I want to be high when I'm drunk
I want to be nothing when I'm high

I want to throw-up when I'm sober
But I don't
I wan't to hold it in when I'm not sober
But I can't

I want to know peace
I want to know unity
I want to know understanding
I want to know assurance
But I don't.

The Herald

We are becoming

The first rays of sun shattering horizons
A flame that races across endless miles
Igniting the turn of another day
We become and we remain.

We are becoming

The moment before the avalanche
The heartbeat before the stones advance
We are the sudden intake of breath before a cry
We will live and we will die.

We are becoming

The endless clock, ticking in the hands of a deity
The molding of ages and the cracking of histories
The sound of righteous men in sin rings out
And never more shall we find cause to doubt

We are becoming.