.

If I am too Broken
To reach out my hand
And pull you from your demons

Then I am too Broken
To breathe.

Nightmares churn
Under my skin
Their howls seep through the cracks

And I am too Scared
To fight.

As I watch you fade
Paralysed limbs fail
I cannot reach out my hand

And I am Unworthy
Of joy.

You

I would tear down walls for you
Watch as grand monuments crumbled for you
Let chaos and madness reign for you
And hold you close in the ruins.

I would take a life for you
Serve my time and pay the price for you
Hide the body and the secret for you
And never feel remorse.

I would deny my dreams for you
Abandon friend and foe for you
Raise an army for you
The ends of the earth are not enough.

Yet today I can't look at you
I haven't got a smile for you
But please know that though I'm not next to you.
It's for you that I'm staying alive.

.

Some days I feel
As if I were made of
Smoke
Each gust of wind
Tearing away a part of me
And Melbourne
Is such a windy city.

Abandoned House

I spend my nights in an abandoned house
Watching paint peel away
Undressing the weary walls as they tell their tales.
Tracing cracks across tired floorboards
Leading me to long locked doors.
That I never dare to open.

Grand windows frame an overgrown world.
Thorns and thistles creep slowly in the stillness
The wind sings a somber melody
Through shattered window panes
And rickety door frames

Crescendoing on a silver stage
Lit through the holes in the ceiling.

Dust clings to everything
Like and old friend who has one last chance to say goodbye
Memories of colour hide in corners and behind doors.
Soft pink, the colour of first kisses
Deep purples, the last trace of a bodies betrayal
Pale blues, the timid greeting of the morning sky
Soon, to be lost in the endless grey.

A spiraling path of grandeur and greatness
Now four uneven steps that lead to nothingness
Serve as a solitary seat, where I may dwell with eyes closed
Listening to the monsters rattle and roar.
Locked away in basements, attics, cupboards and jewelry boxes
No space to large or to small.
They do not rest, nor sleep, nor eat,
Waiting for the hesitant sun to silence them again.

I spend my nights in an abandoned house
Listening to the music of my breathing
A dissonant symphony
That undresses me as I tell my weary tale
Tracing veins across tired skin
Leading me to dreams
That I never dare remember.

To My Younger Self

To a past me,
There are countless things you'd be dying to know
And unfathomably more you wouldn't believe if I told you.
But there are things that I would tell you if we talked.

First and foremost, life won't what you think it is.
Melbourne is not a theatrical wonderland and you won't get into your dream university.
In fact, you'll waste the whole first year of university and fail a lot of classes.
This will lead to a crippling mental breakdown
In conjunction with the best choice you'll ever make in your life.
More on that later.
You won't make best friends on the first day.

You're first show here will be in a cramped theatre and you will have 2 lines

You will lie to get the part.
Your first appearance on national television will be in the background of Neighbours.
Don't worry, you still despise the show.
Especially after being miserably cold all day on set.

Your stance of cigarettes and drugs will change dramatically. Sorry.

You will lose contact with your housemate.
You will break-up with your stupid clingy long distance boyfriend.
He never visits again anyway.
Be hypercritical of his performance in Fiddler on the Roof. He deserves it.
He's thinks he might be gay now.
You know you are.

Yes.
You are a lesbian.
A feminist, polyamorous, slutty, femme-pride lesbian.
And it wasn't an easy road so I think I deserve a few pointers.
Don't be ashamed the first time you have sex.
It's great, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it not being special
You'll learn in time that it doesn't matter anyway.
Although it wouldn't kill you to know her name.
Keep.
Your.
Nails.
SHORT.Be proud of who you are.
Don't tell your girlfriend "I wish I wasn't gay"
Everything will be horribly shitty at the time but you'll hurt her.
And you're not allowed to do that.
Move in with her after you break up. It's a great choice.
Don't date girls for the sake of having a girlfriend.
Or because she's nice and interested in politics.
That relationship will suck.
The best relationship you ever have is still going.
And will probably forever.
Don't be so dismissive the first time he says he wants to marry you.
He means it eventually.
Don't overthink it, you will and he will support you, but stop overthinking it.

Do not, under any circumstances, use your phone in the laundry. 

You get to understand what's wrong with the world
And you'll be proud to know that you fight against it
Tooth and nail, lashing out against oppression.
Just be careful who you hit in the crossfire.
Sometimes, you need to step away.
The worst part will be the sinking pit in your stomach
When you're reading an article and it's retelling in perfect detail
Moments you refused to think about, to talk about
But with words you never applied to it before
And suddenly it all seems more real and more horrible than ever before.
The best part is being surrounded by loving people
And understanding and getting better
And getting up and fighting.
And never hearing from that scumbag again
After your partner takes the phone away from you to send a final "fuck you"
It's glorious.

Never, ever, trust yourself to get to airports in a reasonable amount of time. Calculate the time it would take for regularly functioning human being and add four hours. That's how much time you are required to leave to get to any form of avian transport.

Non-stick hooks lie

Be prepared to fall in love.
The kind of unconditional, committed, rad old person love you hate.
Because he'll change your life in the best way possible.
Sometimes it will be difficult and soul-wrenching
And you'll write a lot of shitty poems about your feelings.
But you will be better because of him.
Don't freak out about mental disorders either.
Whether they're happening to you or loved ones, shit works out.
So deep breaths, okay?

Electricity and water bills don't work like your phone or the internet. Don't freak out the first time you're payment is a day overdue. It's downhill from here.

Don't be afraid to enjoy the nerdy things you love. You're really bad at committing to them but enjoy them anyway. I guarantee you'll be interested in LARP-ing when you stumble upon it.

And a million other things I could say, because the thing is, I'm supposed to end this with "but everything turns out great and your happy" but that's not how life works.

You're life gets stressful and shitty and sometimes you feel battered and bruised and beaten.
And you still thoroughly enjoy it, because you and the people you love managed to make it into something fucking awesome.
And that's something to be proud of kiddo. 

Free writing

I used to live in a golden tower
Where the windows were painted with masterpieces
And I'd heard of those fighting and dying outside.
I'd proclaim my support, safe from my tower
As I lived without fear, without want, without knowing.

Then my tower crumbled.

And I was living on the battlefield
And I had never known so much fear and pain in my life
The constant screams, the death of comrades.
I knew it was unfair to those who had been here

in this hell

While I had been safe in my tower
But every death burned like the first
And every night spent shivering in the cold drew forth anger
As I listened to the proclamations of "equality"
From the allies sleeping warm in their towers above.
And though the battle wounded told me it had been harder for them(and it had)
I found no strength in that.
All I saw was the continuation of the war,
The battle raged on, and I am left shaking from shellshock
My scars still bleed
While your stripped skin fills me with guilt.
That once I had lived in that tower
And sent no aid.

But I promise you this.
I will live in a tower again
A tower built on the battles of old
And I will not go until every soldier
Those old and wounded
Those too young yet to fight
Will live among the clouds with me.

And though those living in towers will cry out
And bring down many towers
In the name of equality,
No difference.
No change.
We will prevail
And gain what is rightfully ours.

The Lonely Traveller

Gather the pieces crumbling from your soul
Secret them away to the box under your bed
Don't whisper a word when they claw up in the dark
To grasp at fragments and tear the mind apart

Neutral stance, feel who you are.
Feel every crease and crack and crevice
A mottled battle ground of limbs and scars
Etched with pages of unfinished memoirs

Shadows grown in the space between your bones
Crawling inside you like a parasitic vine
Steeping your blood with longing and with grief
Seeping through a smile made of gritted teeth

This world has no more place for those of darkness
The ground is burnt and ashen where you've stepped
You linger in destruction, depravity and distress
You follow the same path, as the man they all call Death.

The sickly pale figure is never far away
Some days a mirage, others a companion.
And all becomes despair when he draws near
But there is always false joy to mask our fear.

So gather up your soul, lonely traveller
Avoid the crowds, leave behind the happy folk
You must walk the roads where there is naught but silence
Or bear the pain of all you meet upon your conscience.

The First Moment

The first moments I fell in love with you

Still linger, like the smoke that burned my lungs
And spun my world around.
Forbidden and intoxicating.
Who knew that I would become addicted?

There are still things I've never told you
Like how nervous I was the first time we shared a cigarette
And how embarrassed I was when it wouldn't light.
I'd smoked at parties before,
Sneaking them here and there
I promised myself I would stop,
I was scared I wouldn't be able to quit.
Every time I saw you out in the heat, those old cravings came back
Until I finally gave in.
I still don't know if it was the cravings or just wanting to talk to you
But I'm so glad my self control fell away at that lonely supermarket one night
Because my fears became the best thing to ever happen to me,
It's how I met you.

The first moment I cried in front of you
Drips away in my memories
All I remember now is the healing and the happiness
How those things didn't seem insurmountable
After you told me you would fight them with me.

I was so ashamed of all the horrors in my life
And although I had met people that taught me I shouldn't be,
And reminded me that it wasn't my fault, even though they didn't know,
I never really believed them until you told me.
Something about you convinces me.
Convinces me that I am loved and that I am worthy of this life
Assures me that I can be redefined and rediscovered.
Perhaps that's why I feel so much grief that I cannot do the same for you.
I have a debt which I can never repay
A foolish notion that I know you will understand.
At first I was not ashamed because if you believed I had worth
Then how could I argue with you?
I respected you too much.
Now I am slowly beginning to believe I have worth
Because I want to respect myself.

The first moment you kissed me
Still sweetens ever sorrowful smile.
A bizarre memory for a pair such as us but it was the second
I knew, undoubtedly, that I would always love you.
We asked nothing and understood everything.

My first fear was that I would want you.
Right at the beginning, when sexuality scared me
And the word 'Identity' was almost always followed by 'Crisis'
It may seem strange that such a physical act of love, a kiss,
Would assure me that I never needed to be more than what we are.
Perhaps it's because in front of those people who never quite understood
We both knew exactly what this was.
Without expectation, complication or sexualization
A simple act, a comforting embrace
For something we didn't have words for quite yet.
Now I know what those words are.
Now I can hear the words in every smile and "goodnight"
I am always assured of what I first knew in that moment. 

That we were nothing more and nothing less than in love.
Stronger than bodies and more subtle than souls.

The million moments you made me laugh
The thousand moments you made me survive
The uncountable moments you made me happy
The few moments you made me cry
The many moments you made me proud

These memories are my love letter.
And I am not yet out of ink. 

Instructions

Step one.
Remind him that you love him,
Despite all transgression, you and he may make, have made, will make
Remind him that he is the reason you left your bed again this morning.
The reason you understand what it is to cry because you've never been happier
The reason you're up at quarter to five, thinking about how you wish you could make everything okay
At any cost.

Step two.
Every day be stronger.
Don't fail him like you did last time, not because he won't forgive you
But because you never want to see that look of hurt in his eyes again.
Because before you can fight the world for him, and make no mistake, you will
You must first be enough, be there, don't make the same mistakes twice.
Because you can't live with being the one who brings him down.
Not ever.

Step three.
Fail

Step four.
Be filled with loathing and resent
Lash out at the world around you, be angry and hostile and don't explain.
Because you refuse to admit, even to yourself, that failure is your greatest fear
Get caught up in your mistakes, let them plague you, let them eat away at you
And slowly filter into him until you're both miserable and alone and sitting in darkened rooms
Just before sunrise.

Step five.
Fall in love all over.
Cry about how much you care, miss him even though you just made small talk in the kitchen
Panic about how you promised yourself you would never surrender yourself like this again
Realize you have never loved anyone like you love him and you never will, in your entire life.
Feel alone and guilty. Read his sad poetry and cry. Blame yourself for things you cannot control
Watch awful television.

Step six.
Realize you've been a fool.
Cry some more as you remember that you are human and he will forgive you.
Feel unworthy and loved at some small romantic gesture. Cry again.
Be unsure if you are happy or sad. Regret things you've said.
Ponder the essence of these emotions as you tell yourself that this has all been in your head.
Imagine that you heard him say goodnight at your bedroom door.
Feel foolish and small, but simultaneously incredibly grateful.
Smile sadly at the dim glow of your laptop.

Step seven.
Remind yourself he loves you.
Remember that you and he will always be together.
Reaffirm that you will make his life better or die trying.
Feel comforted.

Step eight.
Repeat.

Scared

Some days I am scared.
Awakening to a shuddering body
It always takes a few moments before I remember that it is mine
That I am not lying in a warehouse covered in blood
Who it belongs to is always indiscriminate.
The blood, not the body.
The body is mine.

And it scares me.

I wonder what I must have done, no.
What must have been done to me, that I am in this place.
No-one walks into a slaughterhouse of their own volition.
They are lead in, blindingly, quietly, almost as if they were sleeping.
A house of dreams that can eat you up and serve on a stranger's plate for dinner.
Red-raw and dripping lifeblood as you are consumed by the world.

Doesn't that scare you?

None of it's real of course.
So I tell myself it counts less.
But then I tell myself I count less.
And then I have to start all over again.
Putting back the pieces that my mind saw fit to tear away
Until the sunrise doesn't frighten me.
Until the darkness behind my eyes is just as safe as the darkness dwelling on the streets.

Until it doesn't scare me.

I haven't quite figured it out yet.
Cigarettes and coffee fill the gaps
Where I think safety once lived.
But what does safety even mean? In a world
Where I am a commodity
And my thoughts are just a liability.
And I am mocked for my sexuality
And condemned for my promiscuity
And stripped of my dignity
And ignored for my history
And destroyed by my reality.

That should be what scares me.
And it does.

7am

It is 7am.
I lie, shuddering, in what is supposed to be a comforting bed
The cat is sleeping at my feet and shifts slightly at the start.
I hope he's still awake.
I leave, faltering steps down a dark hallway as I grope for a familiar door.
Safety, I hope he's still awake.
Silence.
I try to wake him but my voice wavers and I call twice
He is asleep, fast asleep. I envy him.
Then the thought flickers across my mind
what if he's dead?
Don't be foolish. It's not possible, he's sleeping.
The thought flickers.
I sit.
Searching blindly in the dark for my toxic reprieve.
Papers, tobacco, the clang of a small metal box, filters.
My hands shake as the first paper creases and I scrunch it up and throw it away
The thought flickers.
I wish he was awake.
It works this time, I roll a perfect cigarette. At least, I think.
It's dark.
I stumble out, looking for fire.
I flick a light on in the hallway to find one.
I can't bring myself to turn it off again, I know I should
It's too dark.

Outside is brighter, the street lights glow and building that are dark and bathed with light
Cars tear past. Going to stable lives and stable jobs.
They've just woken up. I wish he would wake up.
The thought flickers, I flick the end of my cigarette.
And old, useless habit.
It's 7am. The world is lighting up and so am I.
My hands won't hold the lighter steady
I curse under my breathe.
It's quiet.
The light flickers but I fail.
It flickers
And flickers until
A spark.
I inhale a breathe and begin to feel real again.
The fumes fill my lounges and I breathe out. A sigh of relief or resentment, I don't know.
It seems to loud for this waking world.
It's quiet.
There's letters in the mailbox that weren't there an hour ago.
I wish I hadn't gone to sleep then.
He was still awake then.
It was less quiet.

A steady breathe of smoke leaves my lips.
The last before I retreat again.
It's cold. I hope that's the reason I'm shaking
It's not.
I hurry back inside away from the growing light.
Back into the darkness.
The light I left on glows dimly at the end of the hallway.
The door is too loud when it closes.
I hope I haven't woken him,
It is, after all, 7am.

I turn of the light and the house is bathed in darkness once more.
As I enter my room. I look again at my bed with loathing
I suppose everyone sleeps sometime
The cat awakes with a start as I disturb him and lashes out at me with claws.
Then shakes it off.
It makes me laugh, then feel like crying all over again.
Its 7am and he's too sleepy to stay awake.
I wish I was like him.

So I write.
The world seems less dark here.
Funny how words make me feel real again,
When so much of it is fiction.
Perhaps it's because in stories the hero's never sleep.
Or eat, or bathe, or do anything Other than slaughtering their enemies.
Which makes me feel worse.
I wish he was awake.
It's quite here
It's cold
And dark.
At 7am.

Here be Monsters.

They call it blood.
The essence of life
These rivers tainted with metal memories

So we write about fanged fantasies.
Horrors in the night
Who steal it
Consume it
Consume us.

Lustful creatures
Only destroyed by the heat of fire

But we burn too.
In flickers of red and blue

Here be monsters
Where are you?

I won't be the damsel in distress.
Or the hero on a shining stallion.
You will find me in the night hours
With lifeblood dripping down my chin
A slowly spreading grin
A hunger.

Because here be monsters.

We can't fight them
They live, they endure.
Fictions slowly sucking at our souls
Telling us we are never good enough,
Reminding us to never grow old
Or trust, or love
Or die.

Funny how those who have no reflection
Reflect the most.

Crawling under my skin
Doubts that stink of death and decay
The air smells of smoke and sin
Worming into my brain
Again
Again

Dreams and waking thoughts
Telling us it's all for naught.
My mind, my mind
I am one of their kind

Here be monsters.
Run.

.

The debt sinks deep into my bones, it doesn't drag me down, it finds a home.
I couldn't, wouldn't, ever want to fight it. You understand, It was I who invited it.
I owe it all to you, this life I lead. The happiness that streams from tears
The chains you broke lay scattered at my feet, replaced my suffering with new found fears.

The mind is filled horrors I can't stop. You stand upon the edge of a great drop.
I know that you alone can make this call, I pray to gods I don't believe in, please don't fall
And yet all of it feeds the monsters inside me, clawing at my skin and at my soul
I know you face much worse than this each day. I made mistakes, I've caused scars that I must own.

It's hurt, to walk across the glass, to enter in, to embrace you as the knives slide through my skin.
And I might slice my hand as I pull out each blade, but as I watch the demons deep within you fade,
The joy, the inexplicable happiness, that I, of all creatures have been allowed to make a difference
Erases any harm that you could cause to come to pass. I would follow you into the deepest darkness.

Blood has trickled, mingled and grown stronger.
Breathes grow ever deeper, ever longer.
Each cut is deeper. Each kiss is sweeter.
Each promise sealed on skin not paper. 

I will fight through every hell and depth
Through cavernous void and impassable cliff
I will not let you fail. I will not let you fall
I will stand beside you throughout it all.

Sometimes I will stumble, I will reach for your hand.
Some days I will hide, as the anger commands
Some nights I will cry, and the words will not come
But I will never leave and I will never  run.

We are two sides
Of the wrong coin
The world fights
The world groans

We will never be
What they thought of us
Love and heresy
In a wedding dress

But every day
It get simpler
Being okay
Gets easier.

And
it
all
comes
down
to 

this

I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.

Breathe Out

Breathe out

The nightmares,
The smoke.

Don't let the ash
Sit in you lunges

Or else you'll choke.

Breathe In

It's easy. Just breathe in and then breathe in again.
It's the breathing out that's hard.
Like the falling and the stop.
Except we never stop.
And it kills us anyway.

So I breathe in.
To take my mind off what I'm doing
And how I'm dying.
And why I got up again today
And I'm trying to think of a reason that isn't you.

And we breathe in.
And it seems easy
Although it's freezing, I don't mind
That we're out here, in the middle of the night
Sleep won't come easy. Not like the smoke from my cigarette.

Breathe it all in.
The toxins and the poisons
The diseases and the death row sentence
Rolled up paper and filtered through my lips into my mind
Where the nightmares wait in kind
They're not so kind.

Because I can't breathe them out.

Death

Sometime I think that death surrounds me
Black tendrils snake from my soul and ensnare love ones
Coiling around their faces and behind their eyes
Filling them with a blackness that cannot be undone.

Helpless I struggle against the helplessness
But what use is there in fighting abstract illness?
I am not the corruption of your soul my love
Perhaps I  have grown to love the nameless.

I've tasted the bitterness before
Felt the snake of shame across my skin
The clocks stop and you live in the gasp
The timeless wait for you to breathe in.

I have witnessed the consumption of joy
The sapping of lifelessness I myself so fear
And though it swirls and boils around me
It cowers away and will not draw near.

I cannot defeat it for you, there is no enemy here
Just a familiar sickness in the moment before grief is due
I have often thought that death surrounds me
It has followed me all my life, and I have found it again, with you.

Think Positive

I cannot begin
The articulation of a heartbeat
Is not compiled upon a page
The ache of a soul is not measured
In twenty-four letters arranged at the whim of an author

I cannot end
My body will decay and rot
And leave its stain upon the earth.
My mind will cease to spark and flicker
But my thoughts will echo on the wind.

I cannot exist
I am weighed down by an ocean
Crashing upon my brittle bones, encrusted in salt
I have struggled to reach dry land again
But I can no longer tell the difference between salt and sand.

I cannot breathe
I tell myself it is not because the air is clean
But my lungs long for smoke and destruction
I tell myself I do not need the fire to feel happiness.
Because without the lies the embers of hope would crackle and die.

Tripping

I am not made of the colours of man
I  am the emerald green of the forest
I am the deepest blue that through rivers ever ran
I am the pool of water in the corner of your eye that hints at an unseen  paradise

The warmth slowly drains from my skin
Seeps into the world, I feel it give birth and begin
I feel them gain life and breath, my kin.

Dripping
And dripping
And forever ever
Singing and sinking
Singing and sinking and singing.

Life blood dripped in colours across my skin is all I was
Washed away in a vision and clouded again by loveliness.
Creatures walk these paths, that I do not know
But I know now more than ever that these paths are my home

Home
Home
Him and her and home.

And all was well, amongst this broken citadel
For we had found, here a common ground.

Mutual Chaos

Wait dear,
Wait for the night
You don't need to know
You don't need to remember why you're here.
Just embrace it.
The madness.

I call it Mutual Chaos
Pretentious I know,
But you should know
It's the only word that fits us both.

We never have existed have we?
Within this realm of reality
And possibility
Filled with maybes and 'i'll see'
When we all know your blind
And mankind doesn't care,
As long as you follow the cadence.

It's set out by that big metronome in the sky
Of course many don't believe it's there
But we all hear it ticking
Pushing footsteps, heartbeats
Onwards, upwards towards industry
And the 'better me'
And all the forms of frivolity.
It's this clicking?

You understand now, correct?
That you were made for this
Oh yes, it's quite illicit
But as long as we keep it quiet
The thieves and beggars shouldn't mind it
Mind the lawyers don't catch hold
They're awful cold.
But of course, you'd know.

Now then.
On your way.
I'd say the day is young
But we both know her real age.
Mind, however, you don't ask.
She's haggard behind her flawless mask.
Although if you look close it's always printed in 'The Age'
Page eight.

Thirty

Thirty
Or is it thirty one.
The snow clouds my mind.
Snow and ash, white clouds billowing down
We have traversed and conquered this little town.

History
Or is it the present?
You bought me presents
And we drank coffee, black and white
Like the films that flicked, was that day or night?

I haven't slept
I haven't dreamt
Yet reality slipped away
Many day, many nights ago
Nightmares or reality, I don't know.

We are beings that do not belong here
In the open air
Among the people
Who smile at their mothers
And eat their home-brand cereal
When the sun greets the day.

But today we are older than the sun,
We are older than the dreams we had
We are younger than the earth
But, Oh! In this second
This breath before dawn
We are not reborn (not yet)
But we struggle on.

Thirty
Or is it thirty one?

Letters
Moments mix with minutes
And hours mix with horrors.
And I am content in this rent in time
We have torn apart the day
It is yours
It is mine.

Thirty.
Or was it thirty one?

The world unravels
Like threads in fantasy novel
Like tears in a game
Like rain in the night
Like snow in the day.

Thirty.
Will it be thirty one?

We have betrayed clocks
We have turned our backs on calendar days
And ancient ways, and yesterdays
And all the days yet to be made
Just exist.
Just breath with me.
Just one more.
Or is it thirty?

.

I wanted to write about how I felt
I wanted to etch ink into paper
I wanted to carve it into your arms
Black on white
Blood on skin

I hoped you would understand better
I hoped you would hear the music
I hoped you would know the words
Sound through space
Notes through time

I needed you to know this heaviness
I needed you to know it was for you
I needed you to breath
Smoke in air
Pale in night

I wanted to say more
I hoped there would be more
I needed you to know more.
Death in life
Finish, Begin.

Sea Witch

I don't know how to write this down
A sinking sense of sadness, I think I'm drowning in it.
But I dived in, didn't I? Didn't you tell me I could swim?
It coiling and bubbling around me. Didn't you say you would save me?

There's a sort of heaviness settled in my bones.
It's dragging me down into the inevitable darkness.
They tell me there are wonders unseen here. How foolish.
Of course they are unseen, the blind don't see anything at all.

I wanted to remember how to float.
To remember the fresh air, the sweet sting of sunlight.
The feel of grass beneath my feet, making my skin itch.
The burn of fire and the smell of smoke swirling among stars.

Instead I'm sinking into sand that has lain beneath waves
Ages pass here without a thought, kings and companies collapse.
There is no hope, or love, or dreams. Not even the steady passing of the waves.
Just words, etched in the floor of the world, by a sea-witch who has forgotten who she was.

The Show.

Oh my love, what fools we are.
Can't you hear the softly tinkling laughter?
I can hear the sounds of bells
Or maybe its just the ringing
Left in rubble like the bombshells.

We've danced for kings and queens
Been cruel but never mean.
We've juggled knives slicked with blood
Ours or our enemies, we can't say
Noah didn't reveal the secret to his flood.

We've tumbled and we've fallen
Kingdoms, mice and men.
We've stolen every gem and picked every lock
By all means our heads should rest
Softly nestled by a chopping block.

But we run from Death, leaving trails
So we always know he's on our tail.
If he catches up, it won't be the first time we've fought
Bones against bones, skin against cloth.
Never looking back on the deeds that we've wrought.

So go on and laugh ,go on and smile
Be persuaded when she asks you to stay a while
They prepared a magnificent two act show
Although you must understand
That the second half never gets shown.

The Quest

I traverse this land, a stranger with a sword.
I will use this to defend and destroy
All the world will fall someday
And I shall remain, your Helen of Troy.

The rivers in this land flow with blood
The blood of men or monsters I do not know
I do not recognise the signs of the living
By the towns they build or the crops they sow.

I have not always walked this wilderness alone
I have seduced men and women, both pretty and poor
I have created nations and watched as they fall
I have built great armies and lead them to war

But all of these things have faded away
And now I seek a possession of great renown.
I have cut down frauds and disbelievers alike
For one day I will wear 'happiness' as my crown. 

Simon Says

I get the sinking sense that this is all a game of Simon Says
Just repeat after me and don't miss a beat otherwise you'll be out.
Step out of line the tiniest bit and we'll make sure you remember the rules.
Listen to a voice that isn't ours, we'll rally the crowds with a thundering, contemptuous shout.

Simon Says, don't smoke that, don't breath in.
The pain is much better than tainted lungs.
Simon Says, don't drink that, don't let it touch your lips
Unless it's blessed by old bigoted men.

Simon Says, don't love her not that way.
Love everyone, as long as they're playing our game
Simon Says, stay in your place, don't fight it
We may be cruel and weak but we'll win.

Simon says stand
Simon stays kneel
Simon says bow your head

Simon says pray.
But pray only to us
Because the Gods that you love are all dead.

'It's Nothing'

I'm tumbling, mumbling, drunk.
You ask me what wrong, I say 'rum'.
I'm logically, sensibly happy.
But I can't shake the beat of this drum.

Its driving me, forcing me, on.
To a battle I never wanted to fight.
I'm bleeding, receding, run.
I don't want to die here, it's not right.

I don't understand or demand, reason.
It's feels foreign living inside my head
I should be, could be, just fine.
But instead I feel lifeless and dead.

You're breathing, believing, for what?
The knowledge I must be alright.
I don't know what's bringing me down.
But I swear that I won't lose this fight.

Social Justice Poems

[So these are the poems I wrote today after being absolutely disillusioned with the entire human race, everywhere I look people are doing something awful or attacking something that matters to me, gender, sexuality, abuse, christianity, relationship, there was just no escape today. These are probably hard to read and are more on here for self reference than anything and I want to write more about social justice. So here goes]

JUGGLING FIRE

An empty carriage bring frivolity
After an evening of tiring of humanity
And song and dance with a beautiful girl
Watch as the clubs fall and the fire twirl

I wonder why we keep going back
To hear the sound of the scornful whip crack
To hope above hope that people might change
Only to be disappointed again and again.

I will fight for my sisters, I will fight for my kind
I will not let you distort this with your bigoted mind
I care not for the ego of cruel ignorant men
I will cut you down where you stand, with word and with pen


How dare you take what little I own?
And when I fight for it back you whine and you moan
Like a wailing child, flailing in mud
What you were given at birth, I have fought for in blood


[So this is what I posted on tumblr for all of 2 seconds before realising that as mad and hurt as I am, this will only hurt others and/or encourage them to give some opinion which in all likely-hood won't be interpreted well in my current frame of mind, which is why it's now on here]

disclaimer: TW: SEXUAL ABUSE. This is directed at no-one on tumblr. This is an expression of outrage,anger and hurt at the social climate in which I live. It is a compilation of snippets I have written dealing with a lot of shit from a lot of different corners. If this may offend you, or you are looking for exceptional poetry, please scroll on by.

TODAY

Today has defeated me.

I fought my demons all night

And thought they could be vanquished in the sun

But I was wrong.

I have sat silently smoking,

Whilst loud men tell me what it is to be sexually abused

I breathe in and wonder how they would dismiss

The words I have lived, have screamed and have run from.

Would they ask me what I was wearing

Or tell me it couldn’t be true, because he held the title of ‘boyfriend’

Tell me again how eighteen years

Eighteen fucking years of having your hetronormativity shoved down my throat like his cock

Somehow makes me less valid to you.

And lord knows, you need me to need your validation.

Do you know what I don’t need?

Your opinion, your seedy glance, your carefully worded retort.

I’m sick of everyone ignoring the battle

So they can have time to examine each wound.

I know it’s easier to heal a paper cut than a bullet wound

But you can only die from one of them and the guns are firing.

Get out of my cathedral

It has been torn down enough by this world and by me, I didn’t ask you to be here.

Leave my lovers alone. I have fought for them

And just because you cannot comprehend, how dare you label it as ‘friends’

I may not have fought this battle as long

But I have fought it twice as hard, and the wounds are fresh.

You are not helping,

You are not educating me

You are not superior to me

You are salt in my wounds


Be proud.

You have defeated me

Beneath the Skin

Breathe me in and slice away my skin
I can feel you unmaking me, debasing me.
In this hazy word I built from pain, fleeing
An unknown horror, without a face, with out a name.

Call forth your armies and send the men mad
Torture them with images of death, the stink of death
The wet slick of blood against their sword
How many more live must they take until they realise?

This battle is lost, you are already slain.
Don't send out your sons to die for this again.
I fight the tide with wild magic and pills.
With dreams of smoke in my lungs and demons in my head

I can almost taste what it would be like to feel you
I can almost exist within this drifting world you have made for me
But I can feel it shifting, slipping,
Becoming the queen I swore I would never be.

The cruel tyrant writhes inside my bones
Quickening to the sound of your voice
You face is turned away as you walk into the dark
Which I inhabit but will never know.

When it breaks free, and do not mistake me when I say 'when'
I know this frail body will not hold it. I shall not die, I shall be consumed
When it ends I know you will not weep for me,
Turn away with a scowl, breathe in your spinning smoke
And forget.

Untitled.

I do not need you to be better my love,
I do not need you to be okay.
I will not fade, I will not falter, I will not fall

I do not need you to save me as you have once before

I needed it then and you need me now
Like cracked mirrors of each others soul
We cannot make each other whole
But now these spider's webs of flaws are beautiful
And shimmering.

Do not come to me whole.
I will watch as people stick you full of pins
A voodoo doll for their ineptitude
But come home to me and I will pull each one out
Slowly, painfully and dripping blood
I will draw them from your skin
And clean your wounds.

I will light the fire that burns you from the inside
Because you ask me.
I will swear by the essence of my life to love you
With flaws and broken body
With wretched mind and soul
And watch you change and shudder under the weight
And maybe one day when you need it
I will leave you.

But it will not be now,
It will not be here under these stars and in this house
Surrounded by these fumes we both hate
And love, and condemn.
The swirling mist of strangers not yet judged.
And I will understand.

You are not who you are.
Yet you are still enough.
This world will rip you to shreds,
But oh, to save a few is a deed far greater
Than the heroes that write history,
Or the kings that felled nations
Or a man in a different mask.

So you see my love,
In words I can only utter through listening
That I will always fight the oncoming tide by your side
And whilst we may not win the battle for our lives
We will find victory in each others arms.

The Clash

Break me
Unmake me
Tear off strips of skin
Shatter my very soul

I've watched you die
A thousand deaths
I felt you deal every blow
As you struck me down

I've seen hell consume you
And been consumed by your hell
And yet I cannot stand to awake and find you
Still, immovable, removed.

I loved you like that once
Now what? A steady raging fire
Have we grown so used to the heat,
That we no longer feel the flame?

Perhaps I would rather pain.

The Song of a Place not called Home.

As I leave this godforsaken place
All I want to see is your familiar face.
The sadness sinks into my very bones
As I grow to hate the place I once called home.
My blood flowed thick with liquor
Mistakes, uneasy, slowly flicker
In the light of a stolen cigarette
And a swiftly growing sense of regret.
I've spent what I don't have
To forget how broke I am
And though I tried, what I gave
What just as little as the man.
I've disappeared and let you down
So I could cling to a dying town.
And friendships built on stone cold stares
And slightly dirty silverwear.
Why did I think I could come back here?
To everyone else it was blindingly clear.
We haven't stopped judging you and we never will
So go home to your sinners and take your pill.
My every particle knows I've done nothing wrong
So I'll smile and dance to your sickening beat.
But the optimism doesn't last very long.
And I don't know why I'm surprised by defeat.

Blooddrunk.

I'm blooddrunk love
I can feel my veins becoming bottles
And I'm emptying those bottle
Till all that's left are cigarettes and shame
And stolen words

I'm blooddrunk love
And pouring out my essence in a glass
I'm giving my creation in a crystal chalice
And I want yours
To flow across my lips

I'm holding your face in my hands
You're holding my heart in yours
We're trapped here.
In each others souls and we will take and take
Because we know
Oh we know.
We make each other Blooddrunk.

Black

Hush dear, quiet now.
You've used the silence before.
Sliced skin and souls with this soundless sword.
It is the symphony of broken worlds and weeping widows.
Can't you hear it?

Spilling from cracked lips
Polluting blood and eroding bones
Clouding eyes with emptiness, turning fingers numb
Slowly pulling apart bonds that were decreed by gods and universes
So very long ago.

Nothingness fills the air
Tainting every living breath and cry
Oh how they grasp at reality, cling to false idols.
The children tell stories of shadows, how they would quake if they knew
It was all real

It would be easy
To populate this endless void
Fill it with nightmares and leviathans
Evil deeds and creatures which we are already so intimate with
They call it Sin.

We could be Gods.
To obtain all that is to have
To crush and consume creation and colour.
Yet the taint of mortality is far to sweet to abandon, so we choose
To fall in love.

Can't you feel the fade?

I've searched, all the gods know I have searched

For the letters that make up the words

There are only 26 of them, how hard can it be?

But it seemed that no combination will suffice

So I remain silent. 

I want to tell you that I miss you

That I want to crawl inside your skin 

To find the darkness and destroy it

To fight the sickness and consume it

But only if you let me

There are no words for the ache 

Of helplessness, it's so feeble

I know you're strong, stronger than me

Perhaps I'm not strong enough to deal 

With your sadness.

It's selfish I know, this is yours

This song is yours to play,
This poem is your to write

Just let me read and hear it 

Just let me in.

Did we need those fumes?

Did we need those dreams?

Did we lose something?

Or is this just me?

Fading. 

Nightmares (a helpless cry)

I can't fucking do this.
Yet again I'm genuinely terrified of going to sleep.
"Its an odd thing to be scared of one owns subconscious" I've said that a lot when referring to my nightmares.
But it's not odd. Its terrifying and crippling and fucking dreadful.
I don't talk in plain words about my life very much on this blog but I'm sitting in the dark not tired, not sleepy, but exhausted body and mind by the sheer prospect of having to fall asleep.
To face, for annother night, my skin being peeled from my bones, the torture rape and murder of ny loved ones, the horrifying inescapable images that fill my head almost every night.
I know Ill dream about Sabbat and I don't want to let the deamons in my head take the good day I had a fuck with it.
I know it'll be bad tonight. I can feel it in my aching bones and I'm far to scarred to face it.
I woke up again this morning with a cut on my leg where my fingernails had dug in and drawn blood. These nightmares leave me with wounds for the daylight hours and I've never felt so helpless and scared in my life.
I don't want to discover nightmare marks on my skin when I wake up. I don't want to spend 8 hours a day in a hell made by my own mind.
And I sure as hell don't want to fall asleep tonight.
Fuck.

Just a Collection of Thoughts

The phrase 'an old soul' feels very out of place with me

My soul is just born, swirling through this world picking up filth 

Evolving, growing, burning until one day when my body erodes

It will either fade away or it will expand like a supernova burning out in the abyss until a thousand children stare up in the sky and wonder where those flickers of light come from.

Yet I feel as though my soul has been this age for ever. 

I do not quarry with it anymore. I do not flee its fire or question its existence or perhaps a better way of saying it would be that I do not need to understand the questions of its existence. It simply is, and if it is nothing at all, then that is what it is.
I am contented in the fact that these mere 18 years do not contain my soul in a feeble sense of 'young'. I am a creation of experience. The work of beautiful men and strong women, I am moulded, sculpted and brought into being by no other hands but my own.
I have breathed the air of many cites and many souls.
Perhaps I have known more that I have comprehended or perhaps I comprehend far less than I know.
But now for films and friends and pleasures and that's all I can really know in this odd mortal container that I know so intimately.
One day this might be foolish
One day I might know more, or less.
And that's just fine. 

Good Things Come in Three

A sweet song,
I think I'll have a cigarette soon
Inhale the deadly smoke into my lungs
And let it do it's work
I'll smile

A stupid dance
I should have breakfast soon
How odd this ritual of feelings and toast
I always feel better though,
After breakfast.

An old heart
Doesn't let things get to deep
Things cling to the surface, which means they
Fall of easier, tearing the edges
Which hurts

But they heal
And suddenly a bird sings
How odd that I can feel all better so quickly
Maybe its a kind of magic
Or music.

Words help
Letting things out. Black on white.
I suppose that good things come in threes
Love, Heartbreak and Rebirth
Waltzing.

.

I just want to crawl into a little ball
This fire burns to hot for me
I thought I could do this,
Fight through the derbies

I know you'll try and save me
But maybe that's not enough
You are fire too, my love
We burn hotter to the touch

I promised that I wouldn't cry
You see water is my foe
But it has become rage instead
And I have to let it go.

You are grounded love
In ways I can no longer be
I care to much for both of you
to stay, but I cannot leave.

You are fine, and I am fine
And that's the way we'll stay
Because if for no-one else but you
I will make it through today.

Shifting

Strange smoke, strange men, strange words
This is a world I have not ventured in before
Held breath, sharp glances, missed words
I am awash, the sea consumes me, I cannot see the shore.

The water is warm and comforting, it caresses my skin
The glimmer of the sun shimmers green through deep deep blues
Life is below, around, within me. It bumps against my skin
I know that soon the deep will claim me. I will pay my dues

I give up hope. I will submit for I have earned this fate
Then land appears, not on the horizon, but firm beneath my feet
Soft sand gives way and sweeps aside the endless waves
The ocean it has ceased to be. Gives way to a deserts heat.

The water has receded, from the horizon and from my bones
A white sky blazes above and the endless mountains sear beneath me
Vultures circle above. Their cry "Penance! Penance!"
Their black forms circle as I walk towards a haven I cannot know or see

"Penance!" The words ring in my ears, reverberate through my being
A heavy heart tells me I have earned this debt, but to whom?
"Penance!" Tears flow down my checks as I recall no sins
Then I know, it is the sin we have born since the womb.

Then I know what it is I must do. I've read this story before.
Here I must chose, will I be the Albatross or the Mariner?
I reach out one hand towards the scorched sky.
And the cry is silenced and I turn my back on the creator.

Now I walk the ice-y planes. The weight heavy around my neck
I survey the dead landscape before me, where life has forgotten how to breathe
But as the blood slowly stains my skin I do not grow weak
This darkness does not condemn, it is my reprieve.

Surely now I am beyond the reach of redemption.
There are no cathedrals in the waste of frozen humanity
I have done no wrong that centuries before me have not sealed in blood
I will allow not man nor beast nor god to pass judgement on me

I cast aside the vultures corpse, still blood-stained I embrace the land
It rises up to meet me, sharp crystals and clouded snow
I find the colours hidden in depths of the world, I will not reach up
But rather down, into the abyss, for it is all I know.

.

A heavy sort of sadness sinks into my bones
Rest there, and calls it home.
A tangible silence in the space between us
The static of a broken tape

The sun rises, it is bright and it is beautiful
I inhale and try not to think of you
Or to think of you in the vocabulary of my past
But I don't remember those words

What was I saying?

I'm not sad, I am weary and I feel this weight
I am glad that you will be better
In the way that a plant must be glad when it is pruned
Next spring it will bloom

Broken ribs and blood pouring down your skin
Hurt I cannot erase
But I did not cause, I loved you the best I could
It's not your fault that you did not need me

The doctor said this will heal.

I know you will read these words
But they are not for you
They are mine and I will let them fall
Like the tears I will not cry


Tremors in the earth shake, cracks appear
Metaphors fall to pieces
Fire flames and burns brightly, I cannot see
Poetry become just syllables

Lost
       Falling
                Ceasing to

Exist, did what we have even exist?

The briefest breathe provides no life
But we breathed it anyway
The air was sweet and tainted with smoke
I can still taste it.


I can't
no
I won't

                       speak

Words grasp at the edges of my brain.

Chaos surround me but you have made sense of it
You have cleaved a path
Through this debris, through this madness
You are winning

I will not love you less, I cannot love you less
But I will not let you no me
Weigh you down anymore, the burden is to great
I cannot carry it for you

But I will lighten the load
If I cannot light the way. 

Stone

Its price, immeasurable.
Countless worth beyond all that can be seen.
I had held, beheld it's splendor
And know there are few things more beautiful than thee.

Yet if it is a truly valued stone
Then I am charged with its unending care
I must not allow its shine to dim
Not its sharpened edge to dull
Whilst I still breathe the air

It has tasted my blood
It has known my sin and it has known my grief
I have repaid this all in turn
We shared beauty and laughter
Yet now it craves release

I cannot be faulted here
I will not fall though it may crush my bones
But you have changed
And I have not changed
We will not face this alone.

Symphony

The cascading staccato falls across my skin
Moments of warmth and memory seem to begin
Here amongst the droplets which soft, caress my face
Closed eyes, slow breath, sweet scents and long embrace

I am supple skin stretched across old bone
I am the first ornate letter of many wise and ancient tomes
I am composed of scarlet ribbons, down my back and in my veins
I am crescendo and harmony. I will rest and play again

But more than these things, more than I and deep brown eyes
I am the warmth clinging to a blanket, slipping in to sleep beside
I am the smoke from their lungs and the laughter on their lips
The notes that are their poetry, my symphony is this

I am his hair, that curls and twines its way into my soul
I am her hips, the curve of her arms such wonder that I know
I am the whispers of early morning when she leaves me in her bed
I am the call of 'come home dear' and a kiss upon the head.

I am of them and they of me. Enticed, entwined and bound
 Behold their complex melodies, I have found the sweetest sound

In veins.

How odd
That I should find myself here
Surrounded by, what's the word?
Lovers, friends?
What does it matter?
I'm here again.

I feel perhaps I've left behind
A part of me. A sliver of my mind
It could just be a lover eyes
A meaningless glance
It crawls inside.
And I don't mind.

You've passed this test
Or so you hope
Failure may be
Your true destiny
And to fulfil ones destiny
Is a great thing indeed.
So live in and revel in debauchery.

Dance with fire
Dance with frost
And be not ashamed
Of all you've lost.

The Gates of Andromeda

For Jericho.

This pain flows in and out of me
I know what I have done
But my god demanded sacrifice
I guess that he was one

Perhaps I could have grown to love
Perhaps he could be saved
All but flaws are fleeting here
Yet he, not I, decayed.

This growing weight inside my chest
Regret that plagues my soul
Perhaps this is what the mother meant
The pain to make me whole

OH MOTHER TELL ME AT WHAT COST
WHAT GARDEN DO YOU GROW?
Must the innocent be beds of earth
For your ever sharp throned rose?

The pain flows in and out of me
I know my choices well
Continue, torture soul and mind
Or meet with him in hell.

I am Happy

I can feel exhaustion sinking into my bones
A perfect day slips away under the cover of night.
The sudden yank, the chain that draws you back to the prison you thought you could escape.
Awake to happy thoughts, the sounds of music but a body to tired to appreciate.
I am happy. I am happy. My soul bears great weight as I remind myself.
Awake to inhale reality. Tell yourself once more how happy you are.
Brush hands over invisible scars.
Get help. Get pills. Get happy. Be safe.
What a thing to be scared of ones own subconscious.
To submit each night to tired eyes and tired limbs.
To know soon it will begin. The flaying of my skin.
Maybe just one more night of peace.
Where broken beds don't mean broken bones.
When these deamons leave me THE FUCK ALONE.
I am happy. I am happy. Days are perfect.
Sunshine and flowers. It's worth it. Oh gods let it be worth it.
I am happy. In reality I am happy. There are no fires here.
But the ones that warm me.
Happy. happy. who knew the night could take that from me?
Not me.

The first steps of the day

Stretch

Turn

'What time is it?'

"More time

More sleep"

Water

Roll

Steps

Flow

Headspin

Breathe in

Toxins

Breathe out

Hot blood

Hot sun

Black coffee

Cold lips

Caffeine

Begin

Nightmares

The nightmares creep
Under my sheets
Under my skin
It begins

The sun of the day
leached away
by deamons
and flames

Surrounded by subconscious
Hope has long been lost
I can only pray I recall
I wake again at the fall

The nightmares creep
They writhe in the deep
Settle in my veins
Pleasure to pain

The nightmares creep
Spread the night at my feat
Adrift in this maze
It begins again

Invade

Your face is glowing in half-light,
Your eyes are no doubt glazed.
I smile, sigh and tilt my head.
My dear, how we do blaze.

I hear the softly in-drawn breath,
I see the arm draped by my chest,
Blink,
stretch,
mutter,
laugh,
and resume.

The world is quiet here.
No sound will penetrate,
and everything is great
and we don't fear.

You left your Blogger logged in.
I didn't have the heart to leave
without cracking open.

Ethereal

Oh to be ethereal!
A queen amongst men.
To taste all forbidden fruit
And feel the blood rushing through your veins
And down your chin
And through the rivers
As every living soul drinks you in.

To inhabit all dreams
For even nightmares are dreams
To exist beyond love
And be adorned with a crown of barbed roses.
I am beauty,
where nought but horrors have been born
I am terror,
in lands where fear has long since fled.

I live in nonexistent days
Watch the suns of other worlds burn away
Contained within me is life
And death
And all the things which surpass these.
The lover to a fallen angel
The mother to desire and despair

I am the devil
I am your gods
I am all.

Two Lovers

Two lovers in a slow dance
The sun sets to the melody of their steps
A shared breath as they entrance
The world beneath their feet, the sky bows.

As darkness creeps into this sphere
They continue, step, one two.
They glide, oblivious to death and fear
And continue on in sanctuary

The stars arise and watch them twirl
As they transcend this mortal realm
The lovers let their dance unfurl
Moving as one, shares beat, shared soul.

But no dance is eternal
And no man may claim he is divine
Two lovers cease, for they are mortal
But shall begin anew another night.

I Am

I am not cleansed
The not nightmares have left me
I am not unscathed
But I have found my purity

A blazing fire
Fuelled by an insurmountable love
Has burnt away the lesser flames
A searing flash of salvation from above

The scars fade
Rippling across my skin like lace
Defining my being
They create a creature not of this race

The soft earth
A healer of worlds is beside me
The fire within
Blazes on my left, a man of dignity

I face my demons
Afraid of these creatures, for I know
Where they were born
For how can one not know their own soul?

We shall perish here
Or embrace and claim our victory
For though the cost may be high
We do not falter, we have walked this road valiantly

Small Victories

There are small victories that go unnoticed in this world
The poetry from a lovers lips and the smile of a pretty girl
Wonders which surpass the legends of ancient tomes
The song of relentless laughter and the sense of coming home

As eyelids flit and fall, within the comfort of a friend
Another sleepless night has met its peaceful end
My blood flows thick with wine. My head is heavy with this pleasure.
The spoils of this life are rich and vast beyond all measure

Tomorrow we must rise again and face the relentless tide
But tonight at least, good company and sins are on our side
Perhaps the morn shall bring our death, dishonour or defeat
But beneath these stars we're conquerors and all earth is at our feet.

Advance

I think

I just realised

Last night upon a balcony

With smoke curling around my fingers

And settling on my eyelashes

That the world had shifted.

This pale blue orb spins on

Doing the same old pirouettes

But I am out of step

It is a foreign place

to me

This is not the world I knew

As a child, once this place

glimmered

with hope

and promise

a thousand islands 

waiting to bestow upon me their treasure.

Now I see it as a hostile land

I must fight for every breath

Each day anew the sun burns on

With fire

And with ice

But I do not care for such trivial things

I have found greater treasures

Than I could ever dream

Amongst these wastelands

And the army with which I wage war upon these lands

Is mighty indeed

Clothed in regal armour

Shinning

As has not been seen for many an age

There are veterans here

Wisened old men who guide me

Keen eyes that foreshadow the coming of our enemy

Tired eyes that have seen it all before

There are gentle hands

To heal my wounds

To flood my veins with strength

And give me courage. 

So as I look beyond the smoke

As electric stars line the horizon

My army strong behind me

The desert vast beyond me

I am at peace

For but one moment

As I know the world has shifted

Then we advance. 

Shattered

I do not belong here, nor there.
Among these lovers of ice
Amidst these frozen lullabies
I am lost and I am blind.

The wasteland encompasses me
Whisper shivers of a foreign language
It will consume me soon
I can feel the crystals in my veins.

The first cracks are emerging now
I feel them slaking across my skin
Slicing through parts of me that were once whole
My gods find no foothold here amongst the snow

A spark would be my redemption
but my finger shake and will not make a spark
I think that my final act will be a cry
From a silent throat, then I will shatter and be no more

One more step across this shuddering stillness
One more intake of this air that burns with cold
The frost grows ever, ever closer
And I scream, why have you all forsaken me?

Illness

Prying eyes scour every atom of me
Every thing I am, You claim I chose to be.
1 to 10
Go on then,
Tell me do I pass your test?
After all, you do know best.

A thousand questions rain like bullets,
fired slowly from loaded muskets,
I march on, slow and steady,
towards the fire, battle ready
Tear my flesh and break my bones
But I do fight on these plains alone.

A lovers words try and quell the fire
But I am ablaze. This to, will be my pyre.
A rage as you demand that I explain
Why I let you down. When time and time again
Has it not been you, shattering me?
Have you no compassion? No humility?

No. What foolish notions to possess
That the enemy is anything less
Than a hoard of daemons that will course down my throat
Like cheap wine with friends, like pills and smoke.
I have no more words, I try but they no longer form
I am turning to ashes. I can only pray I am reborn.

The Call to Arms.

The dawn of a Sunday morning is the war-cry of my soul.
For seven days I have rested,
For seven days I have laid down my sword
But no more.

I must leave this place and go to battle
To fight of those who would see me slain
I offered them white flags and words of comprehension
But no more

I have defended my lovers bed as a stronghold
Against the righteous men with flaming arrows
Condemnation on their lips and fire in their hearts
But no more

I have cleaved aside the heretics and beloved sinners
I have begged pardon through their valleys,
I wished to walk in peace and solitude
But no more

I am torn by crowns of thorns
I am seduced by lips ablaze with flame
I am condemned to burn in holy light
And find myself in naught by darkness.

I have no more to give
I have no more to repent for
I have no more words to form my shield from you
I have only my Love and my God.
And no more.

Speak

How do I tell you? The words fill my mind, but they are not composed as these.
They are colours, blue and green flickering flames,flickering in perfect harmonies.
They sing the songs of a slow breath in, a resigned sigh in descending thirds
The soft beat of a broken heart, still in time, these are not words.

How do I tell you that I will always take your hand. Though it may harm me.
The shattered glass that is your beings cuts deep and the blood flows freely.
Yet I feel only warmth, see only ribbons of red that dance and weave and glimmer
I see crystals and fragments of gems, I feel no pain, I thrive within this river

How do I tell you that if you mend I will still see the cracks and I will know them
As close friends and confidants, lovers that enfold my soul but do not condemn
I see you, the mosaic unfinished, the masterpiece yet undefined but hinting at divinity
A thousand shards of colour containing beauty and promise perhaps only the artist can see

How do I tell you?
I love you seems not enough.

Life is Ugly; It is not Poetry.

I get headaches when I smoke
I get headaches when I don't smoke

I feel sick when I eat
I feel sick when I don't eat

I want to be drunk when I'm alone
I want to be high when I'm drunk
I want to be nothing when I'm high

I want to throw-up when I'm sober
But I don't
I wan't to hold it in when I'm not sober
But I can't

I want to know peace
I want to know unity
I want to know understanding
I want to know assurance
But I don't.

The Herald

We are becoming

The first rays of sun shattering horizons
A flame that races across endless miles
Igniting the turn of another day
We become and we remain.

We are becoming

The moment before the avalanche
The heartbeat before the stones advance
We are the sudden intake of breath before a cry
We will live and we will die.

We are becoming

The endless clock, ticking in the hands of a deity
The molding of ages and the cracking of histories
The sound of righteous men in sin rings out
And never more shall we find cause to doubt

We are becoming.