Free writing

I used to live in a golden tower
Where the windows were painted with masterpieces
And I'd heard of those fighting and dying outside.
I'd proclaim my support, safe from my tower
As I lived without fear, without want, without knowing.

Then my tower crumbled.

And I was living on the battlefield
And I had never known so much fear and pain in my life
The constant screams, the death of comrades.
I knew it was unfair to those who had been here

in this hell

While I had been safe in my tower
But every death burned like the first
And every night spent shivering in the cold drew forth anger
As I listened to the proclamations of "equality"
From the allies sleeping warm in their towers above.
And though the battle wounded told me it had been harder for them(and it had)
I found no strength in that.
All I saw was the continuation of the war,
The battle raged on, and I am left shaking from shellshock
My scars still bleed
While your stripped skin fills me with guilt.
That once I had lived in that tower
And sent no aid.

But I promise you this.
I will live in a tower again
A tower built on the battles of old
And I will not go until every soldier
Those old and wounded
Those too young yet to fight
Will live among the clouds with me.

And though those living in towers will cry out
And bring down many towers
In the name of equality,
No difference.
No change.
We will prevail
And gain what is rightfully ours.

The Lonely Traveller

Gather the pieces crumbling from your soul
Secret them away to the box under your bed
Don't whisper a word when they claw up in the dark
To grasp at fragments and tear the mind apart

Neutral stance, feel who you are.
Feel every crease and crack and crevice
A mottled battle ground of limbs and scars
Etched with pages of unfinished memoirs

Shadows grown in the space between your bones
Crawling inside you like a parasitic vine
Steeping your blood with longing and with grief
Seeping through a smile made of gritted teeth

This world has no more place for those of darkness
The ground is burnt and ashen where you've stepped
You linger in destruction, depravity and distress
You follow the same path, as the man they all call Death.

The sickly pale figure is never far away
Some days a mirage, others a companion.
And all becomes despair when he draws near
But there is always false joy to mask our fear.

So gather up your soul, lonely traveller
Avoid the crowds, leave behind the happy folk
You must walk the roads where there is naught but silence
Or bear the pain of all you meet upon your conscience.

The First Moment

The first moments I fell in love with you

Still linger, like the smoke that burned my lungs
And spun my world around.
Forbidden and intoxicating.
Who knew that I would become addicted?

There are still things I've never told you
Like how nervous I was the first time we shared a cigarette
And how embarrassed I was when it wouldn't light.
I'd smoked at parties before,
Sneaking them here and there
I promised myself I would stop,
I was scared I wouldn't be able to quit.
Every time I saw you out in the heat, those old cravings came back
Until I finally gave in.
I still don't know if it was the cravings or just wanting to talk to you
But I'm so glad my self control fell away at that lonely supermarket one night
Because my fears became the best thing to ever happen to me,
It's how I met you.

The first moment I cried in front of you
Drips away in my memories
All I remember now is the healing and the happiness
How those things didn't seem insurmountable
After you told me you would fight them with me.

I was so ashamed of all the horrors in my life
And although I had met people that taught me I shouldn't be,
And reminded me that it wasn't my fault, even though they didn't know,
I never really believed them until you told me.
Something about you convinces me.
Convinces me that I am loved and that I am worthy of this life
Assures me that I can be redefined and rediscovered.
Perhaps that's why I feel so much grief that I cannot do the same for you.
I have a debt which I can never repay
A foolish notion that I know you will understand.
At first I was not ashamed because if you believed I had worth
Then how could I argue with you?
I respected you too much.
Now I am slowly beginning to believe I have worth
Because I want to respect myself.

The first moment you kissed me
Still sweetens ever sorrowful smile.
A bizarre memory for a pair such as us but it was the second
I knew, undoubtedly, that I would always love you.
We asked nothing and understood everything.

My first fear was that I would want you.
Right at the beginning, when sexuality scared me
And the word 'Identity' was almost always followed by 'Crisis'
It may seem strange that such a physical act of love, a kiss,
Would assure me that I never needed to be more than what we are.
Perhaps it's because in front of those people who never quite understood
We both knew exactly what this was.
Without expectation, complication or sexualization
A simple act, a comforting embrace
For something we didn't have words for quite yet.
Now I know what those words are.
Now I can hear the words in every smile and "goodnight"
I am always assured of what I first knew in that moment. 

That we were nothing more and nothing less than in love.
Stronger than bodies and more subtle than souls.

The million moments you made me laugh
The thousand moments you made me survive
The uncountable moments you made me happy
The few moments you made me cry
The many moments you made me proud

These memories are my love letter.
And I am not yet out of ink. 

Instructions

Step one.
Remind him that you love him,
Despite all transgression, you and he may make, have made, will make
Remind him that he is the reason you left your bed again this morning.
The reason you understand what it is to cry because you've never been happier
The reason you're up at quarter to five, thinking about how you wish you could make everything okay
At any cost.

Step two.
Every day be stronger.
Don't fail him like you did last time, not because he won't forgive you
But because you never want to see that look of hurt in his eyes again.
Because before you can fight the world for him, and make no mistake, you will
You must first be enough, be there, don't make the same mistakes twice.
Because you can't live with being the one who brings him down.
Not ever.

Step three.
Fail

Step four.
Be filled with loathing and resent
Lash out at the world around you, be angry and hostile and don't explain.
Because you refuse to admit, even to yourself, that failure is your greatest fear
Get caught up in your mistakes, let them plague you, let them eat away at you
And slowly filter into him until you're both miserable and alone and sitting in darkened rooms
Just before sunrise.

Step five.
Fall in love all over.
Cry about how much you care, miss him even though you just made small talk in the kitchen
Panic about how you promised yourself you would never surrender yourself like this again
Realize you have never loved anyone like you love him and you never will, in your entire life.
Feel alone and guilty. Read his sad poetry and cry. Blame yourself for things you cannot control
Watch awful television.

Step six.
Realize you've been a fool.
Cry some more as you remember that you are human and he will forgive you.
Feel unworthy and loved at some small romantic gesture. Cry again.
Be unsure if you are happy or sad. Regret things you've said.
Ponder the essence of these emotions as you tell yourself that this has all been in your head.
Imagine that you heard him say goodnight at your bedroom door.
Feel foolish and small, but simultaneously incredibly grateful.
Smile sadly at the dim glow of your laptop.

Step seven.
Remind yourself he loves you.
Remember that you and he will always be together.
Reaffirm that you will make his life better or die trying.
Feel comforted.

Step eight.
Repeat.